


Once Upon a Time: The Lovely Lady with Fire in Her Hair

by tklivory



Series: Fractured Thedas Tales [5]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/M, Humor, Innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tklivory/pseuds/tklivory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never, ever, tell the story of how you met your husband to your children if the men in your life have a naughty sense of humor.  Especially if they adore innuendo and innuendon'ts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time: The Lovely Lady with Fire in Her Hair

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: there be innuendon'ts ahead!
> 
> Dictionary at the ready, folks? In my mind, Leliana is a studious, spirited storyteller, and that means (in my twisted tale) she has a specific speaking style when it comes to imparting important information. I hope you enjoy this small, swift story, but it does mandate a modicum of mental maneuvering. (and yes, Leliana absolutely adores alliterations… and "euphemisms for erotic expression"…)
> 
>  
> 
> So the story goes...
> 
> Many years after the end of the Blight, Dan and Leliana Cousland travel to Denerim to visit King Alistair and Queen Maggie. While visiting, their children ambush Leliana and ask her to tell the story of how Leliana and Dan met and fell in love. Of course, Alistair and Dan try to help…

_Once upon a time,_ there was a lovely lady with fire in her hair who fled from a lying, deceitful bi—ahem, that is, a vulgar virago and found perfect peace in the Chantry. For many years she reveled in her idyllic isolation within the Maker's mansion, and— Yes, Dan, I "knelt at the altar" many times while I was there. I've told you that before. Why bring it up now? And why are you suddenly blushing? It's rather easy to tell when you do, you know, your entire scalp turns beet red. Yes, Alistair, I did "get to know myself" quite well. What? No, not loudly! What _is_ it with you and your obsession with making noise in the Chantry?

Anyway, after several seasons in the Chantry, the lovely lady with fire in her hair had a vision sent by the Maker, a vision warning of dark days and danger ahead. Disturbed, the lovely lady went to the garden, and there saw a fantastic flower of particular pulchritude and— How could I "gild the lily" if it was a rose, Alistair? That doesn't even make sense. At any rate, the lovely lady with fire in her hair packed her bags and left the Chantry, knowing that the Maker would guide her to where she needed to go.

And so the lovely lady with fire in her hair was in the tavern at Lothering when- What's that, Jacen? Oh, what's a tavern? Alistair, have you never told your son what a tavern is? Well, Jacen, a tavern is a place where grown-ups gather to drink and discuss current affairs. _No,_ not to _conduct_ affairs, Dan. Honestly! So the lovely lady with fire in her hair was in the tavern at Lothering when a glabrous gallant entered, the lingering light of the sun glinting off of his bare—Yes, Cecile, I am talking about your father. *Sigh* Yes, darling daughter, glabrous means bald.

The glabrous gallant immediately ran into trouble with some nefarious nincompoops that had been sent by the detestable dictator that had effected a recreant retreat at the battle of Ostagar. With the aid of the lovely lady with the fire in her hair, the glabrous gallant was able to run off the nefarious nincompoops like the dastadly dogs they were, and— Well, yes, Marcus, you could say that your father and I did "sink the soldier." Alistair, will you please stop giggling like that? It is quite distracting.

The lovely lady with fire in her hair then joined the glabrous gallant in his quest to rid the land of the Blight. They traveled far and wide, gathering allies for the battle that was to come, the battle with the abominable Archdemon, the loathsome leader of the dreadful Darkspawn. It was during this time that the lovely lady with fire in her hair and the glabrous gallant felt drawn towards each other. Before long they were— What weeds? Alistair, why on Thedas would Dan have "whistled in the weeds?" Do you mean "whistling in the dark?" Well, yes, actually he did do that, remember? You were there. What do you mean, everyone always knew when he was "whistling in the weeds?" He doesn't whistle _that_ loudly.

At any rate, the glabrous gallant and the lovely lady with fire in her hair grew so close together that at one point the glabrous gallant even gifted the lovely lady with fire in her hair with the most enticing endowment a girl could hope to receive. Why, yes, Dan, I am talking about the nug! It was so cute. I named it Schmooples, you know. You look so disappointed, my love. What endowment did you think I meant— Oh. _Oh._ No, Cecile, your mother isn't blushing, it's just…suddenly rather hot in here.

Moving on, the lovely lady with the fire in her hair and the glabrous gallant fell in luscious love with each other. _Yes_ , Alistair, I _am_ a bard, of _course_ I am proficient at playing the flute. I'll have you know that I am a master flute player. See? Dan agrees with me. "None better" at playing the flute. Now please stop interrupting. Yes, my love, I did play the flute with you a lot during the journey. But that's not really relevant right now, is it? Are you all right? You seem rather… flushed.

Unfortunately, the vulgar virago was not yet finished in her scandalous schemes against the lovely lady with fire in her hair. She sent some beastly bastards after the lovely lady with fire in her hair with odious orders to callously kill her and her courageous companions. After a ferocious fight, the glabrous gallant discovered the vulgar virago's ignominious intent and immediately set off to Denerim. Yes, Dan, we "went to town". Together, the glabrous gallant and the lovely lady with fire in her hair confronted the vulgar virago in an encounter of epic extent. What? _No,_ Alistair, we did _not_ "clean the carpet". In fact we got blood all over it. You were _there._

With the vulgar virago vanquished, the glabrous gallant and the lovely lady with fire in her hair were able to face the future together, completely confident that nothing would be able to drive them apart. And that's how we met.

Now, if you'll excuse us, my handsome husband has promised me a "seafood dinner".

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Just assume anything in quotation marks deserves a blush, and you won't be far off.


End file.
